Nancy Moran
Independent Prisoner Advocate
550 Saint Mary Street
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Mayflowers Newsletter, 1998 -- Super Special!!!
Nia, Pinta and Santa Maria -- Over the Edge!!!

Please observe my new address. Up to now I have been depending on the kindnesses of persons who (unwittingly) are finding out half the felons in Maryland wait for them when they access their mailboxes. Either get the name and address straight now or your classification problem or whatnot will end up in the dead letter office, a victims' advocacy correspondence unit or the Baltimore City Police Questionable Communications Department. This is as straight as I can be. Do not use any previous address(es) anymore.

Recognizing that each and every person might not have received a personal response over the past few months, here's how just one guy tells me I've gotten behind with my correspondence: "... It's much to my misfortune that the wavelengths of thought have scattered in the dusty recesses of your memory. I truly looked forward the exchanges in your infrequent surfacing of randy thoughts. ..." This guy got an honorable mention in my last mailing to the lifer coordinators.

Mission Statement: To promote the well being of prisoners in Maryland and, to a limited extent, those released from prison, being mindful of the causes and prevention of crime and ultimately enabling prisoners and ex-prisoners to attain success in their lives.

Standard Disclaimer: The following newsletter may contain editorial content including but not limited to parody, satire, allegory and all out put on. Keep in mind, however, that reality is honored throughout.

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Pick One: Black, White, Indian, Other. I've been hearing untoward comments about my guard dogs. They say, mutts, mutt butts, even garbage hounds. My one guard dog's mother might have been a collie, but her father was a Labrador. My other guard dog's father may have been a greyhound, but her mother was a fox. Her great-grandmother was a very fecund Irish setter. When the Department of Public Safety tried to put this information into their computer, a number of fuses blew. Smoke started coming out from the ventilation slits. The only thing left was a simmering set of cathode tubes manifesting that yellow glow that comes with total meltdown. If my guard dogs chomp into your arm or leg, you won't be worried about what slot DOC or DPSCS put you into.

The Legislature and You: It is easy for the residents of the Division of Correction and members of the legislature to feel they have nothing in common. In fact, as the following questionnaire will prove, the "residents" and "members" have much to share and much to enjoy together:

  • 1)
  • You have just had dinner in your facility's dining hall: What do you take next: 1) Tagamet HB; 2) Zantac 75; 3) Pepcid AC; 4) Maalox; 5) Rolaids or Tums.

  • 2)
  • If there was a woman you really had to watch out for, who would it be: 1) Mata Hari; 2) Monica Lewinsky; 3) Hilary Clinton; 4) Melanie Pereira.

  • 3)
  • If you had an unlimited credit card, where would you use it: 1) Neiman Marcus; 2) Saks Fifth Avenue; 3) Sharper Image; 4) Wal-Mart; 5) Value City.

  • 4)
  • If you had to pick the person in charge of feedup, who would it be: 1) James Beard; 2) Julia Child; 3) Uncle Ben; 4) Aunt Jemima; 5) Emeril Lagassie; 6) Jeff Smith; 7) the Dietary lieutenant on B-Shift.

  • 5)
  • If you had your druthers, what would it be? 1) Scott's Tissues; 2) Angel Soft; 3) Charmin; 4) Whatever the commissary manages to come up with and the tier sergeant feels like passing out Saturday mornings.

  • 6)
  • What would you like to eat tonight? 1) pat de foie gras; 2) Beluga caviar; 3) Steak au poivre; 4) Whopper; 5) Big Mac; 6) Godzilla Fest at Taco Bell.

  • 7)
  • You've really got a headache, a migraine. Those budget hearings really take it out of you. What do you take next: 1) Extra Strength Tylenol; 2) Extra Strength Execedrin; 3) a double hit of aspirin with a pony of 80 proof Jack Daniels; 4) extra proof crack cocaine with a side order of 65% solution of heroin taken up the nostrils.

  • 8)
  • What is your best source of news and information? 1) National Enquirer; 2) Washington Post; 3) Baltimore Sunpaper; 4) MCIH Weekly Gazette

  • 9)
  • What is the biggest disaster you can think of: 1) Titanic; 2) Andrea Doria; 3) Lusitania; 4) the sinkhole at Park and Franklin in Baltimore City; 5) WCI Cumberland; 6) MHC Annex.

  • 10)
  • Who do you trust the least? 1) the guy who sold you a pre-owned Lexus; 2) the guy who sold you a 1994 Honda Accord; 3) the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board; 4) the Commissioner of Correction; 5) Assistant Attorney General Richard Rosenblatt.

  • 11)
  • What do you really want to do if and when you get out? 1) CEO of Occidental Petroleum; 2) Senior VP of Microsoft Corporation with stock options and perks; 3) owner of your own barbershop; 4) writer of gross and obscene messages to go out over the Internet.

  • 12)
  • After a week in the dorms at MCIH, how do you feel: 1) Twilight Zone; 2) Outer Limits; 3) Lost in Space; 4) Masterpiece Theater

  • 13)
  • Which of the following should get you double-celling credit: 1) Bugsy Siegel; 2) Bugsy Malone; 3) Bugsy Moran; 4) ants; 5) roaches; 6) Any of the above

  • 14)
  • How many times do you say, "You see what I'm saying?" in one five minute conversation: 0 3 6 9 12?

  • 15)
  • How old was Bishop Robinson when he decided to get the hell out of the Department of Public Safety and find refuge in the luxuriously remunerative private sector? 1) 70; 2) 65; 3) 60; 4) 55; 5) None of the above, he was 62.

  • 16)
  • What is your idea of the "Ritz"? 1) the Ritz Hotel in Paris, France; 2) the Holiday Inn in Orlando, Florida; 3) a heart-shaped tub in the Poconos; 3) a surgical bed at Bon Secours Hospital with TV and phone paid off; 4) the recovery ward at the House of Correction Hospital.

  • 17)
  • What numpad are you most familiar with: 1) personal computer; 2) ADT; 3) microwave oven; 4) telephone (collect only).

  • 18)
  • What is your idea of "hell on earth"? 1) Washington-National the Wednesday before Thanksgiving; 2) Amtrak when Easter falls on the same day as Passover; 3) Central Booking on a Friday night; 4) Central Booking on New Year's Eve.

  • 19)
  • What music do you listen to to get to sleep? 1) Jackie Gleason; 2) Lawrence Welk; 3) Nelson Riddle; 4) Mitch Miller; 5) Wild boogie where it sounds like she's got her foot stuck in a door.

  • 20)
  • If you had enough money to play with, who would you play with: 1) Charles Schwab; 2) T. Rowe Price; 3) Legg Mason; 4) Dutch Schultz; 5) Al Capone and Sons; 6) RICO Chicago Family representatives.

  • 21)
  • What level of attainment should a young man of 17 years aspire: 1) Eagle scout; 2) phi beta kappa; 3) parole; 4) probation; 5) home detention.

  • 22)
  • If you hear heavy breathing, where is it most likely coming from: 1) a spouse (or equivalent); 2) your dog; 3) a lieutenant; 4) a major.

  • 23)
  • If you picked a role model for HE-man, would it be: 1) Lou Ferrigno of the Incredible Hulk; 2) Clint Eastwood; 3) Sylvester Stallone; 4) Dennis Rodman; 5) Eddie Murphy.

  • 24)
  • What media star has best taught you how to behave in trying circumstances? 1) The Incredible Hulk; 2) John Candy; 3) Dan Acroyd; 4) Clint Eastwood; 5) Eddie Murphy.

  • 25)
  • This is directed to those of you who spent the summer of your years in Hagerstown: Have you ever referred to Baltimore City's Loyola College as "the old jail on Charles Street"? 0) No; 5) Yes.

  • 26)
  • What TV show best reflects real life as you know it? 1) Homicide: Life on the Street; 2) Home Improvement; 3) The Young and the Restless; 4) The Flintstones

  • 27)
  • What TV show best demonstrates human sexuality as you know it? 1) Homicide: Life on the Street; 2) Home Improvement; 3) The Young and the Restless; 4) The Flintstones

  • 28)
  • Now that you're preparing to leave the institution, what TV show best demonstrates family life as you know it? 1) Homicide: Life on the Street; 2) Home Improvement; 3) The Young and the Restless; 4) The Flintstones

  • 29)
  • What TV show do you look most for guidance on life's problems? 1) Homicide: Life on the Street; 2) Home Improvement; 3) The Young and the Restless; 4) The Flintstones

  • 30)
  • When you move next to an Independent Prisoner Advocate, do you play your stereo so that: 1) soft strains can be heard in the night; 2) the bass can be heard through brick walls; 3) the paint on the front door blisters; 4) corpses stop by wondering what is going on.

  • 31)
  • Which number is most likely to make you happy: 1) Dow; 2) NASDAQ; 3) Pick 4; 4) Lotto; 5) Inmate Characteristic; 6) Big Game.

  • 32)
  • Which number most messes up your sense of well-being: 1) 1040; 2) 1040A; 3) 1099-Div; 4) DCD 100-1.

  • 33)
  • Which of these (white) men are you most likely to pay attention to? 1) E.F. Hutton; 2) Legg Mason; 3) T. Rowe Price; 4) Charles Schwab; 5) Louis Goldstein.

  • 34)
  • Which of these (white) women are you most likely to pay attention to? 1) Emily Post; 2) Amy Vanderbilt; 3) Judith Martin; 4) Martha Stewart; 5) Ann Landers or her press attach.

    Scoring: 1) 170+, DOC resident; 2) DPSCS staff (score withheld); 3) 147-160, House Appropriations; 4) 125- 146, House Judiciary; 5) 100-124, Senate Budget & Taxation; 6) 85-99, Senate Judicial Proceedings; 7) 60-84, Office of Policy Analysis; 8) Below 60, None of the above, probably Department of Budget and Management.

    44th District: A gerrymander with an Aztec esthetic. Larry Young, nuky nuky with for-profit health care enterprises, has left as his legacy detailed plans for carefully crafted strategies for economic enhancement. Apparently, success will come if a person, elected or not, makes friends with large, friendly, pharmaceutical concerns and out-of-state HMO holding companies incorporated in Wilmington, Delaware.

    Win a free trip to Central Booking accompanied by one or more licensed, certified Baltimore City Police officers: AA males in downtown Baltimore vie for $20,000 annual scholarship money and all-expense-paid bus trips to Hagerstown and the Eastern Shore: I am starting to get extremely aggravated with N-words (term applied without regard to race, color or creed) who come out of nowhere in the dark and knock me over with the intention of taking my purse. The last guy that tried this got away with $1.40 in change, two packs of cigarettes and a lighter, two pieces of chocolate cake and five small pieces of sesame chicken. This guy probably got back to Murphy Homes thinking he had a real haul. What the guy didn't realize was that I had a "super-N-word" living in my own home (member, DOC Alumni Association and BCDC 1981 library staff) who heard my latest set of screams and responded within seconds. Within 40 minutes, I got back my ATM card, my Blue Cross card (no monetary value) but I never saw again my gold Visa card (wasted with one 800 call to Visa Headquarters), the chocolate cake, sesame chicken and the $1.40 in nickels dimes and quarters. At this point, I called the police. The N-word in question probably found, retreating to the relative safety of his lair with the welfare mother of his choice (assuming the elevator at Murphy Homes was not stuck at the time), that the best he could muster out of the entire incident was a nickel bag of (adulterated) marijuana, while his and his entire household's fat, sugar and cholesterol levels climbed considerably off the expectable West Baltimore scale.

    As fallout, I got on the phone to the Department of Motor Vehicles and Social Security the very next day. Turns out, if I want to ride on an airplane or accept a job (compelled to prove I am not an illegal alien), DMV wants $10 up front and told me I have to wait for Civil Service in New York City wasting $15 and 8-12 weeks, coming up with a facsimile of a birth certificate previously supplied to Maryland DMV in 1971. Civil Service at Social Security also needs 6-8 weeks replacing my time-worn SS card supplied to Maryland DMV in 1978 and 1986. All of this even though DMV had a complete Soundex number, photograph and current address already on file. Upon hearing all of this, I wanted the N-word dead and none of this candy-ass lethal injection crap. For me to get complete closure on this one, only a firing squad or gas chamber will do -- for the N-word, any and all cohabitant(s) and the entire rest of his (known and/or claimed) family.

    Communications, The State of, in Maryland:

  • Phone Fun: Just open the 1997-1998 One Book, the Bell Yellow or the Bell White until you find the listings for Central Booking. Try one or two or three. Notice that all of them are disconnected or out-of-service. Choose to dial "Information" at 411 and incur an extra charge, or leave the guy or the problem go for the next day or week.

  • Hot Wind upon Stormy Seas: For those of you that can access the Internet (not a whole lot): Log onto website www.bsos.umd.edu/ccjs/main.htm AKA The Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice at the University of Maryland, College Park. Scroll downward through four continuous HTML pages. Can you find or is there any reference or recognition whatsoever of the Maryland Department of Public Safety and Correctional Services, the Maryland Division of Correction, the Correctional Options program, the Division of Parole & Probation, even the concept of Home Detention (all of these, mega-mega budget centers, $720 million total estimated for 1998)? Check out the spiels at the top two pages of the CCJ/UMd website (paid for by some of the same tax-free bonds that finance your sojourns in Jessup, Hagerstown or Westover). Isn't the Department of CCJ and UMd quite a budget center in itself (all that payroll, all that overhead, all those indirect costs)? It doesn't look too good that we are getting any appreciable paybacks from our investments in this crowd!

    Boys will be boys and girls will be girls: After years of trying to grapple with the situation, Headquarters is "going with the flow", trying to cope with rising and falling estrogen levels at DOC's most complex institution, MCIW, with an innovative new management arabesque, DCDWs. DCDWs are close to DCDs in type but they are issued on pink paper and come with flowered borders and are the product of the MCIW "Monistat 7 Response Team" funded by private donation. The first DCDW closely resembles the "Inmate Property List" issued to all DOC facilities, but contains numerous exceptions and additions. More DCDWs are planned, especially for the medical unit. It is hoped that by way of the DCDWs, Headquarters will at last establish the semblance of dominance and control over the MCIW institution that has resisted all outside subjugation in the past. (DCDWs should not be confused with DCDwcis or DCDecis.)

    Black, white, green or red, Jailbabies are like any other red-blooded American male. Here is an assortment of their most favorite sayings: 1) I'll come back as soon as I get off work. 2) I'm getting better -- you can see. 3) I'll reimburse you -- I promise. 4) I'll clean up the whole house when I get back. 5) It wasn't me who did it.

    Clarification: The expressions "Jobs Program Syndrome" (JPS) and "payroll lard" did not originate in DOC but at the University of Pennsylvania, a subrosa, nominally non-profit outfit no longer even trying to claim me as belonging to their alma mater. Further, insofar as my newsletters are concerned, these expressions have only been used in connection with the Clerks of Court, the Civil Service of Baltimore City and the Public Defender -- never, never DOC. The Clerks, Civil Service and PD make money the old fashioned way: Wasting half the time they are supposed to be on the job. Question: Are they just trying to get through a day before the spearmint in their gum wears out? Never at any time have I ever, yet, insinuated that DOC staff or residents ever engaged in JPS or "payroll lard" practices.

    Coming of Age in East or West Baltimore. An anthropological study of the major rites of passage, culinary preferences and mating habits along the 5 and 7 bus lines of the City of Baltimore. Forward by the granddaughter of Margaret Mead. The study correlates Central Booking intake with actual census tracts and demonstrates the arithmatic relationship of commitment number and date of birth. The study is also the first to combine data from the Department of Human Resources with regard to foster care and Section 8 housing and extrapolate it to the Diagnostic center on Madison Street.

    DNA Testing Update: Have you ever sat on a Little Debbie? If you have, you can well understand the technical difficulties when a team of nutritional analysts from the National Institute of Health found themselves "on the line" at BBCF and MCIJ. Taking numerous smears, test-tube vials and gas chromatography specimens, the team determined most if not the majority of the samples were, in fact, food, but, just to make sure, samples were sent for further follow up to the Forensic Division of NIH for further analysis. Results are pending. More grant money is needed.

    Feature Article: Everybody goes through a change of life, but with Bill Gates, Chairman and CEO of Microsoft Corporation, change of life means nasty, nasty lawsuits in 23 states (maybe all 50 plus Guam and Puerto Rico by year-end) and three federal circuits (2nd, 3rd and 9th, consolidated). For this reason, trying to reestablish even the semblance of monopoly by means of State prison system regulations (oops!) directives, Bill showed up at DOC Headquarters on Reisterstown Road (one floor up from the spacious, two-tiered, elegantly-decorated Caldor's), in a stretched limousine from BWI Airport. Unlike other people we know, Bill Gates is not the kind of guy who can be easily reassigned to a desk job in Cumberland. Anyway, tucking his 686 Mhz, 64 MG RAM, 4 MB hard drive notebook running Windows 98 Plus under his armpit in the parking lot, Bill knew it was going to be a long night when he booted into Commissioner Lanham's Tandy 1000 running a beta version of DisplayWrite 1.3. In a state of total desperation and despondency, Bill used his cellular telephone to establish (or reestablish) friendship(s) with somebody, anybody. In his emotionally disordered state, Bill chose Sun Microsystems to translate the entire load of DCDs into Java script, easily done with a satellite feed from the men's room at the Caldor's. The Sun boys not only took up the challenge but they arranged with Shockwave, Inc. to create a "plugin" (Netscape, Internet Explorer 4.0+ compatible) that would display on each and every DCD the DOC shield rotating on a vertical axis and flashing dayglo pink and green. Linking WAV files, the DCDs will be equipped with sound effects, some of them unmentionable in this "family" newsletter. For those equipped with multimedia, there will be a two-minute animated sequence of Mr. Lanham finding the ARP appeals on his desk built up over federal holiday weekends. There will also be a 30-second clip of Secretary Simms evincing the shock and surprise engendered by the latest revision of the capital budget. With a point and a click, these seconds of high-level, high-tech anguish can be played over and over again. The Sun boys also made it possible for "hyperlinks" to all those mythical and/or hypothetical court decisions peppered into selected DCDs as well as the ever-famous OpAGs (aka Opinions of the Attorney General) found only in defunct and dust-laden volumes located only in State University Law Libraries on the bottom shelves.

    Pointing and clicking in the pilot version, Secretary Simms' legislative staff and the Office of Policy Analysis found themselves on homepages of Morehouse College co-eds who forgot to put clothes on before having their picture taken.

    Thoroughly inspired by the entire turn of events, Bill has his eyes on the COMARs and Maryland Register for next year. Thus, the march of technology in the Division and Department inexorably grinds on and the DCDs in all their shimmering dayglo glory can be found at www.mr-crabcake.state.md.us as of midnight October 31, 1998 or the witching hour, whichever comes first.

    DPS and the 1998 legislature: Suffice it to say: when Richard Rosenblatt (who has a face only a mother could love, is Assistant Attorney General for the Department of Public Safety, AND was the primary author of the "Prisoner Litigation Act", massacred significantly during the 1996 session), saw me coming up the steps to the third floor landing of the Senate building in 1998, his blood ran cold. Over in the House, my primary argument on one of Rosenblatt's works was that needless space would be wasted in next year's Code Book and that trees would die for nothing (forget ex post facto, forget State, forget Federal Constitution). House Judiciary concurred with me -- all bills authored by Rosenblatt, or suspected of being authored by Rosenblatt, got wiped out as soon as they hit the House docket. The computer guys at Legislative Reference could hardly get the stats into their machines fast enough and had to use macros to record the numerous UNF! and UNF! UNF! votes coming out of Judiciary of that date.

    Why 'oh why can't I get a bean pie: I've sat next to traffic islands at major intersections in New York, Philadelphia and Baltimore. I've passed by the subway entrance at Lexington and Eutaw many a time. The fellows with the bean pies are always nicely dressed: suit, bow ties and excellent posture. Yet I find that when I come near any of them, the bean pies are withdrawn, shifted to a different direction and interest wanes. What is it and why do they never offer me a bean pie? Don't I have a right to a bean pie, too?

    Economic Impact Statements -- the "new wave" in criminal justice -- planning for the long- term: "EIS" is a pilot study created and used by all Circuit Courts of Maryland except Baltimore City and Prince George's County. It involves a coalition of the Big Eight accounting firms, advised by the Financial Accounting Standards Board (i.e., "FASS-bee") located somewhere in Connecticut or somewhere like that. State prosecutors are calling the "EIS Big-8 Boys", "Baby Bean Counters", while defense attorneys are calling them "Wing-Tipped Wonders". In other contexts (judges, clerks, sandwich vendors, court reporters), they have become known as "Brown Bombers" or "Brown Baggers" referencing the contents of their briefcases. The EIS cadre is an adjunct to the PreSentencing Investigation process, only that the "Brown Bombers" use the same generally accepted accounting principles (GAAP) commonly used elsewhere all over in the economy but hardly never in criminal justice and heretofore unheard of in the Department of Public Safety or the Department of Budget and Management. The "EIS Boys" come in and evaluate the defendant from the tip of his plastically-surgeoned nose to the tip of his orthopedic shoes, from diabetic retinopathy to hemorrhoids. The resulting report is a cross-between an application for life insurance and an application for credit. The "Wing-Tipped Wonders", starting out in their financial life and totally lacking in subsidies whatsoever, are earning academic credits toward a degree in Actuarial Science or Credit Underwriting at some of the more prestigious colleges and universities in the area if they have also consented to sign up for student loan packages and tuition kickbacks. Blue Cross and Blue Shield, although they won't provide coverage (naturally), have expressed an interest in advising on the medical underwriting aspects of the program and supporting fellowships to more "Wing-Tips" coming through on the educational pipeline. The circuit court judges are safe and secure in the knowledge that their sentencing decisions not only meet standards of "justice" and "equity" but "fiscal responsibility" besides.

    What do YOU do during B-shift lockdown: "Guiding Light", "One Life to Live", "As The World Turns"? When you get on the street, do you keep to the same schedule? Here's where DOC men (probably including DOC Headquarters) flunk:

  • hanging pictures straight

  • painting a wall without dripping onto major appliances

  • coordinating anything

    Here's where DOC men meet or exceed all expectations:

  • taking out the garbage

  • cleaning up the kitchen

  • mopping the kitchen floor (including choosing the right mop)
  • helping to pick groceries (heavy on Snickers, ruffled potato chips, cocktail peanuts, Spam and Mrs. Butterworth)

  • carrying groceries they helped pick
  • cleaning out the toilet or tub (when it is called to their attention)

    Ways they tell you they're "going straight"

  • "I'm not a street N-word anymore. I'm a house N-word now."

  • "I'm not asking for a handout. This is only an advance against a paycheck [probably imaginary]."

    Floating into the next millennium: Is it bank robbery when it is committed by the bank itself? I've tried to answer that eternal question myself. Here's what I came up with: Do NOT rob ANY bank that is NOT on the following list:

    (1) NationsBank

    (2) Crestar

    (3) [Wheat] First Union

    Let's face it: If you can't spell well enough to write a holdup note, you shouldn't be robbing banks.

    Jack Kavanaugh, beleaguered Warden of MCAC ("Supermax"): Sources "up there" report there are plans to beatify him on the fifth anniversary of his retirement or death, whichever comes first. Jack has now weathered many, many consecutive months as warden of MCAC aka "the Supermax" with no (major) Department of Justice intervention with only one (unforeseeable) embarrassing escape. Jack (reluctantly or not) took the helm of MCAC during a very difficult period and unbelievably turned the place around in only a few DOC moments (3-4 months). Letters, faxes and other communications to the Governor's office from Washington literally ceased, and even the most notorious A-pod residents switched from 1983s to ARPs. Some of the A-podders even went over to the (notoriously ineffective) Informal Remedy Procedure. The "Supermax" has been (mostly -- maybe a few wobbles) on an even keel ever since Jack (unwittingly) took over. Beatification means that Jack will be able to pass through the pearly gates without ID and without going through a metal detector. Not only that, no dog will sniff him up, down or sideways. When Jack finally does get "up there" and past St. Peter, he will meet with noted author and humorist Mark Twain, sit down to a good game of poker and honky- tonk piano, and be regaled with the finest Cuban cigars ever made.

    Legislature creates new verb form. We all know what the intransitive verb "to piss" means. Many of us know the transitive form "to piss" as in "piss me off" or "she pisses me". With the enactment of House Bill 198 from 1991, the expression "she pisses me" NOW means: 1) she is with the Division of Parole & Probation; AND 2) she is going to charge you $6 to do a urinalysis on you. If you are pissed because you are pissed, blame it all on the legislature and the Department of Public Safety. You should also be wary of any plea agreements offered you especially at the District Court level. You may get yourself in deeper "waters" than you anticipated.

    DOC privatizes MHC Annex: After a number of sessions "burning the midnight oil", DOC Headquarters named Controlled Chaos of America (CCoA), a private shareholding company, to lead it out of the problems facing it at MHC Annex, Jessup. DOC was willing to turn over custody but it was also more than willing to turn over library, feed up and commissary. After a paltry four or five dozen gross of eggs thrown, maybe only two or three armed confrontations and a pitifully inadequate one or two blockades at Post 1, it all went swimmingly after that and DOC knew that CCoA was the "right" private company to contract with in situations of this type. In only a few short eleven months, CCoA will come up for contract renewal, and DOC Headquarters is relishing every moment, the "problem" of MHC Annex solved at last.

    New Criminal Category: "Life Until Nursing Home". Due to prescience on the part of budget analysts with the Department of Budget and Management, it was forecasted that, of the 1900 or so persons with parolable life or life without parole sentences, a certain proportion of these could be deemed no threat to public safety in not too many years. With the establishment of the "LUNH" classification, the Department of Public Safety is now empowered to shift custody of LUNH inmates to the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (DHMH) -- for a total savings to the State in excess of $20,000 (mostly custody savings) per year per LUNH inmate. Despite a certain amount of opposition, particularly in the Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee, modifications to the "Life without Parole" classification to "Life Until Nursing Home" is likely to reach the full legislative floor, switch to the other side, and be signed by the sitting governor, a toss-up at this printing. A separate subcommittee has been established to iron out any differences between DPSCS and DHMH. The Department of Public Safety Computer Information Unit has already geared up to differentiate Life, Life Without Parole, and Life Unit Nursing Home along with the "Life Without Change in Venue" (LWCIV) classification debated in the 1998 legislature. But DPSCIU won't be able to come up with anything definitive until 2006 or 2007 assuming constant levels of funding up to then.

    Shorties:

    1) Did you know: Maryland has gone almost fifteen consecutive years without a major prison in Carroll, St. Mary's, Harford, Wicomico, Prince George's or Montgomery Counties. A lot of job opportunities have gone by the wayside. Wake up, Maryland!

    2) On the cable television front: TCI Communications you can tell is an African-American organization -- They expect you will agree to pay to see Heather Locklear and/or Jennifer Aniston.

    3) Profile: Commissioner Richard Lanham: A man without a URL. Don't know what that means? Neither does he! In newsletters gone by, we have pointed out that he "doesn't know a tab from a spacebar" or that he has earned the title of "Mr. Crabcake". But we're not stopping there! Expect to see the DCDs posted on the Internet at www.mr-crabcake.state.md.us sometime in 2004 or early 2005 if all goes well. 4) Test your lawsuit potential: Walk into a Denny's with a pair of bisexual Martians and expect to be served. Make sure to bring a talented (as well as hungry) lawyer.

    5) You can tell your day's not going well when: Your pharmacist's computer comes up, "Fatal Interaction", and they fill the prescription anyway.

    6) Amazing discoveries from the Journal of the Department of Public Safety: Commissioners that take Maalox last longer than Commissioners that take Pepto Bismol. Prison inmates who eat Little Debbies flush more often than prison inmates who eat granola bars. Scope mouthwash isn't just for bad breath. Baby powder isn't just for underarms.

    7) Anglo-Saxon History Week: From the Battle of Hastings to the Magna Carta to the Beatles, the Activity Area at the House of Correction was festooned with black, purple and yellow crepe paper and colorful posters. In the seminar presented on the Saturday of the event, special emphasis was given to William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar and Macbeth and how they each related to DOC Headquarters and DPSCS Towson. Nobody wanted to hear about Chaucer, so they didn't. A goodly portion of "hasty" (kidney) pudding was had by all, "doggie" bags distributed all around.

    8) Commissioner Lanham's first Internet experience: Annals of the American Civil Liberties Union (et seq.) in PDF format. Lots of "hyperlinks" and animation besides.

    This is to certify that no bureaucrats, administrators or politicians were harmed during the production of this newsletter.

    Acknowledgements: William Gaines, Allen Funt, Mel Blanc and T. Rowe Price, for making it possible to buy the house I did (but certainly not dealing in Maryland tax-free bonds).

    Postscript: If I can get only a mere $1,000,000 together by June 30, 1998, I will run for governor. See what you can do to support my candidacy. Stamps appreciated but only if 32 or 33. Money orders, checks and cash also accepted but not literally believed or duly recorded. Send them all soon and often. Nancy Moran Independent Prisoner Advocate 550 Saint Mary Street Baltimore, Maryland 21201